1. Asking me on a daily (or, for some, hourly) basis how the baby is. I don't ask you on a daily basis how your dog/cat/ferret/child is. Take my word for it; A fetus in utero is even less interesting than any of those things.
2. Commenting no matter how innocently on how "massive!" or "ginormous" or, my personal favorite "about to pop" I look like I am. No, I am not having twins, YES I am absolutely sure I am not having twins, NO I am not particularly close to giving birth and UM YES I know for certain that I am "only" six months along. Also, I understand that you spent two months telling me you had a strong gut feeling that it was a girl and you still can't for some reason accept it, but it isn't one and you were wrong. I'm sorry to have disappointed you. If there's still any question about this, I have seen its balls very clearly and unless it's a hermaphrodite, it's coming out a dude. You are not an obstetrician. I have one who is perfectly capable.
3. It is never anything but weird and uncomfortable for you to address the fetus inside me personally. This is inappropriate with or without the sing-song babytalk voice you do it in. It can't answer you. Even if it can hear you, it's under water so you probably sound about the same to the baby as traffic or the phone ringing.
4. Probably most important- Please don't touch me. If I suddenly am overcome with the desire for a stranger or slight acquaintance to caress my stomach, I promise you'll be the first one to know. But until then let's just assume that I'm some kind of antisocial monster who doesn't like it. Rule of thumb- If you wouldn't do it to a NON pregnant woman, probably shouldn't do it to me either.
I'll be sure to keep you updated if and when I think of more.
Xoxo,
C
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